If you are looking for something to read to make you smile, laugh or feel good…this isn’t it.
I am exhausted and fed up. Everywhere I look in my life something is broken. My marriage? Broken. The health, heart, spirit and mind of my children and husband? Broken. Our finances? Broken. My health? Broken. My heart??? SHATTERED. Am I depressed? Discouraged? ANGRY?? You bet I am.
It’s suffocating to be surrounded all the time with the pain and suffering of you family. It’s like someone has a million weights tied to your arms and legs…a wet blanket over your head, has told you that you can help your family if you can get to them, and is forcing you to walk around in circles…and when you almost reach your family, they move. I have told close friends and family that walking into my house on most days feels like I am walking into a morgue. Harsh you say? Try it for one day. You will agree.
These moments are my reality. Every. Single. Day:
The anguish of seeing my beautiful daughter taking 15 pills a day just to be able to barely function..who tells me everyday how horrible the pain is..what a burden she is….how she has ruined my life, made me miserable. Cries to me how much she wants children of her own, why won’t God heal me Mom???
I always hug her and tell her this is my job, to take care of her and her brother, to teach them, love them….
And even if it wasn’t my job, I would do it anyway.
Because they are my very soul.
The agony I feel watching them struggle everyday is a pain I cannot explain.
The torture of listening to your son say that he knows that he will be homeless one day because he can’t work to support himself, and Mom and Dad aren’t gonna live forever.. that he hopes he dies in his sleep before that happens…
Mom, I’m so hungry, but it will be so much worse if I eat anything…to know he can smell the food cooking and that he is starving but can’t eat anything….To look at his ever shrinking body and know that if something isn’t done, if someone doesn’t do something, in another 6 months I could be burying my only son..
These words from my precious children echo in my mind every hour of every day, like a loudspeaker they repeat, over and over. I am supposed to protect them, take care of them…how do I do that when doctors don’t know or care and no one will listen? Tests after tests, doctor after doctor…PLEASE SOMEONE HELP MY BABIES!!!!
Now add in a husband who has rarely been sick a day in his life…who now has problems doing simple tasks…who is a MIRACLE after surviving brain surgery with only a mild processing delay in some areas, numbness and a weird swollen sensation in his face and tongue, which drives him crazy and makes it impossible to sleep, yet impossible to keep his right eye open during the day. Who hasn’t been able to return to work yet, who is depressed (yes I said this, about my husband, online where people will read it), and withdrawn. Who pulls away from me instead of toward me, who would rather be alone with his own thoughts than with anyone. A marriage that was already struggling on it’s best days has now become, well, nothing….haphazard attempts at certain times to refocus on each other, draw closer, then the next day dawns with all of it’s struggles and gale force winds…and nothing again.
Then comes…a car accident.
Rear ended and pushed into the car in front of us. Concussions all around for Dan, Taylor and I (Adam was not with us). The car? Damage totaling over $2000.
Then the news that the hospital failed to share with us…Dan’s bone graft has shifted…we knew something was wrong but attributed it to the concussion/cervical strain…panic sets in for both of us…what does this mean? Another surgery? What about the job they are holding until January 9th? He isn’t ready to go back…what now? A quickly scheduled appointment to see the dr after a previously scheduled MRI on December 7th…and now we wait til next week.
I am overwhelmed. Most days it is all I can do to peel myself from the bed and force my body to move despite the pain and the depression and the heartbreak. Will today be different? Will the kids wake up and say they actually feel “not so bad”? Will Dan have a day where he wants to spend time with us? Will I be able to keep one foot in front of the other? To keep it all together, take care of everyone, and try not to lose it, not get angry or hateful? I am failing at all of the above.
I should be praying constantly, worrying none, full of joy because “The joy of the Lord is my strength”…but I am not. I am so far from joy. Words won’t come, my voice is silent. It’s my responsibility to lift them up to you God, but I am paralyzed by all that is swirling around us and I am not able to do what you have called me to do…. Intercede for them… for my family, my life, my loves.
Well meaning people tell me that God breaks you before he makes you into what He wants you to be…that He won’t give you more than you can handle…He only gives his hardest battles to his toughest warriors…
God, if you are listening, please, I am begging you…ENOUGH.
I can’t handle another moment of this…torment.